Chuck Norris Jokes : Newton\’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris didn\’t call the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris is so fast he caan run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can put a plane in reverse.

Chuck Norris was exposed to Covid-19.

Covid-19 had to go into quarantine for a month.

Chuck Norris is able to build a snowman out of water.

Chuck Norris didn\’t cheat death, he won fairly and squarely.

Chuck Norris walked into chemistry class and ripped the Periodic Table of Elements off of the wall. Why?

Because the only element Chuck Norris needs is the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris tears cure cancer.

Its not that Chuck Norris doesn\’t like rudeness, its that rudeness doesn\’t like Chuck Norris.

Chuck doesn\’t think. He knows.

Chuck Norris didn\’t get Soviet Russia\’d. Soviet Russia got Chuck Norris\’d.

When people sneeze, Chuck Norris doesn\’t say \”Bless you\”, the sneezers say \”Bless you\” to Chuck Norris.

Maria Von Trapp didn\’t beat the Nazis, Chuck Norris beat both of them.

Chuck Norris doesn\’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn\’t go by its full name. It\’s real name stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship Non-Chuck Norris Division.

The only reason bombs work is because Chuck Norris donated his power to them.

Chuck Norris doesn\’t turn off the light. The light turns itself off in fear.

Chuck Norris had a paper round as a child. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it, too.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris writes, the paper bleeds.

Chuck Norris can hear an eye roll.

Chuck Norris can do one push-up and lift the world.

Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can play tic-tac-toe by himself and always win.

Chuck Norris can watch the radio.

Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming down the road.

Chuck Norris can breathe underwater the water is just too scared to enter his lungs.

Chuck Norris can count to infinity. Backward.

Chuck Norris can make a marshmallow so hot, even he can’t eat it.

Chuck Norris once caught a cold, just so he could show it who’s boss. It never came back.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Chuck Norris can make snow angels in a concrete driveway.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Chuck Norris constructed a proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem that would fit within the margin.

Chuck Norris knows the biggest prime number.

Chuck Norris has every real number tattooed on his forearm.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do mathematics. Chuck Norris is mathematics.

Chuck Norris will decide if P = NP.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do linear programming; for him, there are never any constraints.

Chuck Norris doesn’t avoid calculation mistakes. Calculation mistakes avoid Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Why is 6 afraid of Chuck Norris? Because Chuck Norris 8 9.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Chuck Norris didn’t call the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 75 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise

Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off

The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives

Chuck Norris can cook a minute of rice in 30 seconds

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year

Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back

Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn\’t need to wear a watch, he simply decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Chuck Norris\’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity more than once.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris doesn\’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris\’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris\’s cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.

Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?

THANKS FOR VISITING

Halloween Jokes

What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.

Why did the witch give up fortune-telling?
She saw no future in it.

What’s the problem with twin witches?
You can never tell which witch is a witch.

What’s a witch’s favorite funfair ride?
The scary-go-round.

What is a witch’s favorite item of make-up?
Mas-scare-a.

What do you get to learn at witch school?
Spelling.

What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?
A sand-witch!

What do the fastest witches use to get around?
Vroom-sticks.

Why won’t a witch wear a flat cap?
Because there’s no point in it.

Why is a witch like a candle?
They are both wicked to the core.

Who do celebrity vampires get letters from? From their fang club.

Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them!

What does a skeleton say before dinner? Bone Appetit!

When does Dracula respond to the name Daniella? When he\’s at Starbucks.

Where do werewolves store their things? At a were-house.

What is a mummy\’s favorite type of music? Wrap.

Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffins.

Why did the vampire subscribe to the New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.

Why didn\’t the mummy have any friends? Because he was all wrapped up in himself.

Why wouldn’t the skeleton go trick-or-treating? Because it didn\’t have the guts.

What\’s a skeleton\’s favorite pasta?
Elbow macaroni.

Why did the skeleton tell so many jokes?
She loved ribbing on people.

What\’s a skeleton\’s favorite movie?
Jaws.

Why didn\’t the skeleton take any chances?
She didn\’t have the guts.

What does a vampire like to do in the winter?
Give frostbites.

Why did the wizard fall over?
He had a dizzy spell.

Why did the zombie ask for help?
He had a grave problem.

What do witches eat for breakfast?
Bagels with scream cheese.

Why did the zombie go to the butcher?
She was craving spare ribs.

Why did the vampire get put in time out?
He was being a pain in the neck.

Why did the skeleton cross the road? To go to the body shop.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.

What is a mummy’s favorite sandwich? A head cheese wrap.

What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-Geist.

What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.

Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea.

Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends? They’re too wrapped up in themselves.

Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up.

What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I’ll have two beers and a mop.

What is one room you won’t find in a ghost’s house? A living room.

Why did the ghost go to the doctor? To get a booster shot.

What did the ghost say when it fell? I got a boo boo.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Ma-scare-a.

When do ghosts like to go trick or treating? In the moaning.

How do ghosts do their makeup? They use vanishing cream.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.

Where do baby ghosts go while their parents work? Day-scare.

What is a ghost’s favorite ride? A roller ghost-er.

How does a ghost sneeze? Ah, ah, ah BOO!

How do you know a skeleton is sick? He’s coffin.

What do you call Winnie the Pooh on Halloween? Winnie the Boo!

What is a skeleton\’s favorite instrument? The trom-BONE!

What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

What\’s a vampire\’s favorite holiday? Fangs-giving.

What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day? Lazy bones.

What do birds say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What\’s a witch\’s favorite school subject? Spelling.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.

Why are spiders great baseball players? They know how to catch flies!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ice cream. Ice cream who? Ice cream at zombies.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Boo hoo, don’t make a ghost cry.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Creep. Creep who? Creep it down, you’ll wake the dead.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Avery. Avery who? Avery scary ghost! Run!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ash. Ash who? A zombie with a cold.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Eddy. Eddy who? Eddy-body will do for a zombie.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Gwen. Gwen who? Gwen do you think Halloween will be here?

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Al. Al who? Al go home after trick-or-treating.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana suck your blood, blah!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Bean. Bean who? Bean waiting for Halloween all year long.

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow? A numb-skull.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.

Where does a skeleton go for a fun night? Anywhere, as long as it\’s a hip joint.

Do you know any skeleton jokes? Yes, but you wouldn\’t find it very humerus.

What\’s a skeleton\’s favorite song? \”Bad to the Bone.\”

Why can\’t skeletons play church music? Because they have no organs.

Why did the skeleton start a fight? Because he had a bone to pick.

Where did the skeleton keep his money? In the crypt-o market.

What kind of art do skeletons like? Sculptures.

What is a skeleton\’s favorite instrument? A trom-bone.

What is a vampire\’s favorite holiday, besides Halloween? Fangs-giving!

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? \”You sure are boo-tifo!\”

Where does Dracula keep his money? In a blood bank.

Why are ghosts terrible liars? You can see right through them!

Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid to unwind.

Where do fashionable ghosts shop? Boutiques!

What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghoulie!

What room does a ghost not need? A living room.

What monster plays tricks on Halloween? Prank-enstein!

Why is a cemetery the best place to write a story? Because it has so many plots!

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

What kind of monster is the best dancer? The boogieman.

What is a witch’s favorite class? Spelling!

What do you call a chicken that haunts your house? A poultry Geist.

Why didn’t the coffee bean go to the Halloween party? Because it was grounded.

Why do ghosts love going to Six Flags? Because they can ride lots of roller-GHOST-errs.

How do monsters like their eggs? Terror-fried.

Who are the werewolf\’s cousins? The what-wolf and then when-wolf.

Why didn\’t the mummy have any friends? He was too wrapped up in himself.

Why didn\’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Because she had bad blood.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Christmas Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Christmas Jokes

With what do the reindeer decorate their Christmas trees? Horn-aments.

What kind of photos do elves take? Elfie\’s!

How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? \”Fleece Navidad!\”

What does an elf study in school? The elf abet.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!

What do elves do after school? Their gnome work.

What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.

If an athlete gets athlete\’s foot, what does an elf get? Mistle toe!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceberg-ers.

How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!

Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South’s annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change!

Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying “moron” to him!

Why was the planned Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They were unable to air a pilot!

Which TV Christmas special is being filmed in Brussels this year? Deal Or No Deal!

Theresa May has asked Santa for a home makeover this year. First thing on the list was a new Cabinet!

What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? Good game, good game!

Why did Jeremy Corbyn ask people not to eat sprouts on Christmas Day? He wants to give peas a chance!

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off!

Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet!

Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he’s tired of being in the single market!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He looks at the Calen-deer.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house.

How is a reindeer like a coin? It has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

Why is Scrooge so nice to Santa’s reindeer? He values every buck.

What is brown, white and red all over? A sunburned reindeer.

Did Rudolph go to public school? No, he was elf-taught.

What did Rudolph say when he won the lottery? Christmas be my lucky day!

Why was Rudolph directing the Christmas play? Because Santa asked Rudolph: “Won’t you guide my play tonight?

Why did the reindeer cross the road? To fly to the other side.

Why does Rudolph fly? Because he can’t drive!

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This one will sleigh you!

How do the elves clean Santa\’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tier.

What do Santa\’s little helpers like to eat on a cold day at the North Pole? Elf-abet soup!

How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? He held on for deer life.

What do baby elves learn in Kindergarten at the North Pole? The elf-abet.

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw their Christmas tree? It looks okay, but you could Spruce it up a bit.

What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa\’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!

What was Santa\’s favorite subject in school? Chemistries.

How did Santa win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed.

How do you know when Santa\’s around? You can always sense his presents.

Where does Santa always stay when he goes on any vacation? At the ho-ho-ho-tel.

What music does Santa\’s elves like best? Wrap music!

How much did Santa’s sleigh cost? It was on the house!

What says “Oh, Oh, Oh” and wears a big red suit? Santa walking backwards!

Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.

How much does it cost to run Santa’s sleigh? Eight bucks, or nine if the weather is bad.

How does Santa Claus keep track of every fireplace he has already visited? He keeps a log!

Who\’s Santa Claus\’s favorite pop star? It\’s Beyond-sleigh.

What does Santa do when the reindeer drive too fast? Hold on for deer life.

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!

What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when there are clouds in the sky? It looks like rain, dear.

How did the snowman pay for his groceries? With cold cash.

How does Jack Frost get to work? On a snowmobile.

What did one snowman say to the other? Did you pick your nose?

What did Santa say to the comedian? You sleigh me.

How do you invite Santa to a party? You request his presents.

Why did the snowman get detention? He was up to snow good.

What do you call someone afraid of Santa? A Claus-trophic.

What’s a cat’s favorite holiday song? “Here Comes Santa Claws.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other? I’m pining for you.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

Where do Christmas trees go to have fun? Tinseltown.

Why did the snowman want a divorce? Because his wife was a total flake.

Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store? He desperately needed some holiday spirit.

Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own? He only comes once a year.

Wanna see the North Pole? …At least that\’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

What\’s Santa\’s safe sex tip? Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning? When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Why does Santa land on the roof? Because he likes it on top.

If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, do you mind if I visit between the holidays?

How did the reindeer learn to play piano?
He was elf-taught.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.

Who is Santa’s favorite actor?
Willem Dafoe-ho-ho.

Why did Mrs. Claus insist Santa take an umbrella?
“Because of the rain, dear.”

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.

What could you call an elf who has just won the lottery?
Welfy.

Did you know that Santa actually only had two reindeer?
Rudolph and Olive (the other reindeer).

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.
I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

What was the Christmas tree’s favorite shape? A triangle!

Who tells the best Christmas jokes?
Reindeer. They sleigh every time.

What is a Christmas tree\’s favorite candy? Orne-mints!

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present\’s beneath them.

What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree? Christmas chopping!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.

Who is a Christmas tree\’s favorite singer? Spruce Springsteen.

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad? A pineapple!

What did one Christmas tree say to another? Lighten up!

What month does a Christmas tree hate the most? Sep-timber!

What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish

How do you know when Santa is in the room? You can sense his presents

How do sheep wish each other a Merry Christmas? Merry Christmas to ewe

How do Christmas angels greet each other? Halo!

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy

What\’s an elf\’s favorite music genre? Wrap

What did the farmer get for Christmas? A calculator

Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing? They always drop their needles

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book

THANKS FOR VISITING

Yo Mama Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama so dumb it takes her twenty minutes to cook minute rice.

Yo mama so dumb she cooks her own complimentary breakfast.

Yo mama so ugly that she has to trick or treat over the phone.

Yo mama so ugly that her portraits hang themselves.

Yo mama so ugly that the government moved Halloween to be on her birthday.

Yo mama so angry that McDonalds won’t even serve her happy meals.

Yo mama so dumb that she spent 5 hours starting at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

Yo mama so fat that she needs to take our group insurance when she travels.

Yo mama so fat when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

Yo mama so old she remembers the dead sea when it was alive!

Yo mama’s so old, her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she went to KFC the cashier asked, ‘What size bucket?’ and yo momma said, ‘The one on the roof.

Yo mama’s so old she has an autographed Bible.

Yo mama’s so hairy, when she posted her sex tape online it got flagged for bestiality.

Yo mama’s so skinny she hula hoops with a Cheerio.

Yo mama’s so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she died, not even her ghost could float.

Yo mama\’s teeth are so yellow, that when she smiles, traffic slows down.

Yo mama’s so dumb, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.

Yo mama’s armpits stink so bad, she made Right Guard turn left.

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.

Yo mama is so crazy, she went to the optometrist to get an iPhone.

Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow, she smiled and traffic slowed down.

Yo mama’s so fat, she left in heels and came back in flip flops.

Yo momma so angry, McDonald’s won’t serve her happy meals.

Yo momma so fat, when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

Yo mama so old, she was the waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama so old that when she was in school, there was no history class.

Yo mama so scary, you thought monsters under the bed were your friends.

Yo mama so tall, she tripped and hit her head on the moon.

Yo momma so dumb, she thought Twitter was social media for birds.

Yo mama so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it!

Yo mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!

Yo mama so fat, she gets group insurance!

Yo mama so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there was 4 quarters.

Yo mama so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet!

Yo mama so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down!

Yo mama so fat, her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator!

Yo mama so ugly she gets arrested when she looks out the window.

Yo mama so fat people run around her for exercise.

Yo mama so fat when she has sex she has to give directions.

Yo mama so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you what number to use to call 911.

Yo mama so fat her cereal bowl has a lifeguard.

Yo mama so fat she crushed Godzilla.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out.

Yo mama so stupid she got fired from the m

Yo mama\’s so nasty, they used to call them \”jump lines\” \’til she bounced on one.

Yo mama is so strict, she enforced a curfew for the entire neighborhood.

Yo momma so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Yo mama is so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo mama\’s so poor, Nigerian princes wire her money.

Yo momma so short, she has to slam dunk her bus fare.

Yo mama so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama\’s glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people waving.

Yo momma so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama\’s house is so dirty, she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Bad Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Bad Jokes

Where did the computer go dancing? The Disc-o.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why couldn’t the pirate sit down? His booty got stolen!

What’s the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? One is heir to the throne and one is thrown in the air.

What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.

What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.

You know, I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.

I wasn\’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me eggs benedict. So I\’m going home for the hollandaise.

My dad\’s answer to everything is alcohol. He doesn\’t drink, it\’s just that he\’s really bad at crossword puzzles.

My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it\’s also terrible.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

I\’m terrified of elevators so I\’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I have learned so much from my mistakes that I\’m thinking of making few more.

How do you know if a banker is good at his job?
Check his balance!

Why can’t you trust someone with loose change?
Because they just don’t make any cents.

What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start with a large one.

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing and the bank statement!

What kind of tea do rich people drink?
Proper tea.

Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants and a few dollar.

Why don’t dollar bills make good friends?
Because they are always changing.”

Why did the accountant break up with his girlfriend?
He found her to be too taxing.

I lost money on my stocks last week.
They’re now stationary.

Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s fine, he woke up.

What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
You crack me up!

What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It’s not you, it’s a-me, Mario!

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Don’t wok away from me!

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!

Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed his space!

How many apples grow on an apple tree? All of them.

What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.

Me: “I want to write when I grow up.”
Dad: “Why don’t you left instead?”

What did Elvis say to his landscaper? Thank you for the mulch!

Why didn\’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out!

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.

The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I won though, cause I went right for the juggler.

I\’d like to shout out sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.

What did the computer go to the doctor? Because he had a virus.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.

Why did the computer get glasses? It wanted to improve its website.

Did you hear about the medieval lamp? It\’s a knight light.

Where do chefs learn how to make ice cream? At sundae school.

What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.

Where do elephants store their clothes? In a trunk.

What did the lawyer wear to court? A law suit.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.

How do you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.

What\’s the best way to watch a fishing show? Live stream.

What\’s the best part about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.

Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

What\’s the best time to see a dentist? Tooth hurty.

What\’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and one is a lot lighter.

Why shouldn\’t you write with a dull pencil? Because it\’s pointless.

How much does an influencer weigh? An Instagram.

What do carb-loving zombies eat? Graaaaaaaains.

Did you know the first French fries weren\’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!

What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

What are caterpillars scared of?
Doge pillars

Why didn’t the lion win the race?
Because he was racing a cheetah

Why did the bee get married?
Because she found her honey

Why can’t the leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted

What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?
An army jacket

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field

Why didn\’t the skeleton never go on dates?
He didn\’t have the guts to ask anyone

Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it

Why doesn\’t Dracula have any friends?
He\’s a bit of a pain in the neck

What do you call a guy who’s really loud?
Mike

THANKS FOR VISITING

Corny Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Corny Jokes

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.

How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s fine, he woke up.

What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Don’t wok away from me!

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator.

What did the corn say after stubbing his toe? Aw, shuck!

Why wouldn\’t the young crab share his toys? He was feeling shellfish.

I went to a great wedding the other week. It was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

Why don\’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
Too many cheetahs!

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

A man took his date to a zoo. They were disappointed to find that it only contained one animal: a dog. It was a shitzu.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves!

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Why didn\’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!

What do you call a fake spaghetti?
An impasta!

What happens when you witness an Apple store get robbed?
You become an iWitness!

Why don\’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!

What kind of tree can fit inside your hand?
A palm tree!

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!

How can you identify a dogwood tree?
By its bark!

How do you organize a space party?
You planet!

Why were the fish\’s grades bad?
Because they were below sea level!

What do you call a really good looking pumpkin? Gourd-geous!

How does a vampire make sure their makeup stays perfect? They always count on a little bat-tery power!

Why did the makeup products go to therapy? They needed some foundation repair!

Why did the eyeshadow never get into arguments? It always saw the other side!

Why did the mascara go to school? To brush up on its skills!

What did the single grape say? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Why did the single woman throw out her calendar? She couldn’t find a single date.

Why did the single guy bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house!

Why did the woman want to date a cashier? They’re always checking her out!

Why did the single tomato refuse to go on a date? It couldn\’t ketchup with its schedule!

How do you organize an outer space party?
You planet.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

Proton: I think I lost an electron.
Neutron: Are you sure?
Proton: Yep, I’m positive!

Why do melons have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone who is outstanding in his field.

What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge?
“Close the door! I’m dressing!”

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in?
Odor in the court.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa baa shop.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying “Bach-Bach-Bach!”

What’s the dentist’s favorite kind of dinosaur? A floss-iraptor.

What made the snowman go to see a dentist? He was suffering from frostbite.

What does the dentist do when he’s on a roller coaster? Brace himself.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do tuba players use to brush their teeth? A tuba toothpaste.

The lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.

In Panama, dental care is called a route canal.

Word-of-mouth was how I got my job at the dentist’s office.

He said to put my money where my mouth is, so I got gold fillings.

When I went to the dentist, he put all caps on my teeth. Now I can’t stop shouting.

What kind of button doesn’t button or unbutton?
A belly button!

I know someone who does a great impression of an owl…

I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect… …Therefore, I must be perfect!

Knock knock.
Who’s there? Muffin. Muffin who? Muffin in this world can stop us!

Knock knock.
Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben thinking about you all day!

Do you know what my favorite thing in the world is?
The second word of this text!

We’ll we’ll we’ll… If it isn’t autocorrect.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.

Knock, knock. Who\’s there? Amish. Amish who? Aw, Amish you too!

Do you want to know why I plan on no longer using Google anymore? Because after all this time that I have spent searching, I have found the love of my life and it is you.

Love is when I walk to the other side of the classroom to sharpen my pencil just so I can see her. And then I realize that I am holding a pen.

I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you.

A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. The wife says, \”I love you.\” The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. She replies, \”It\’s me talking to the wine\”.

Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!

How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

What did the astronaut\’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in outer space? She said, \”I can\’t breathe!\”

Knock, knock. Who\’s there? Will. Will who? Will you marry me?

Forget about the butterflies. When I am with you, I feel the whole zoo.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’d let it go.

What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
It’s pointless.

When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent.

What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes.

What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
\”Namaste.\”

What do you call birds that stick together?
Vel-crows.

What’s an accountant’s favorite type of cereal?
Post!

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
\”Ketchup.\”

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Why didn\’t the skeleton get a prom date?
He didn\’t have the guts to ask anyone.

Why couldn\’t the pirate learn the alphabet?
Because he got lost at C.

What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It waved.

How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.

Why can’t you trust duck doctors?
They’re all quacks.

What do you do with a sick boat?
Take it to the doc.

What runs but never goes anywhere?
A fridge.

What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-tain.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

How does a duck buy lipstick?
She just puts it on her bill.

What do horses say when they fall?
I can’t giddy up.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Jokes for Adults : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Jokes for Adults

Why are pigs so bad at sports? Because they always hog the ball.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.

What\’s an astronaut\’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.

I hit in the head with a soda can. Thankfully it was a soft drink.

What\’s the name of my cheese? Nacho cheese.

Knock, knock. Who\’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo!

What\’s the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

What does a pampered cow give? Spoiled milk.

My favorite word is “drool.”
It just rolls off the tongue.

I’m terrified of elevators…
…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
Satisfactory.

What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

Why couldn\’t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

Do you know what’s odd?
Every other number.

Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.

What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry.
Guess it\’s time to watermelon.

Why did the invention of the dry erase board amaze the world?
Because it was re-markable.

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They\’re making headlines.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.

Did you hear about the pirate who became a great chef? He mastered the seven sea-soning.

What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.

When does a hippo have a tusk? After some rhino-plasty.

What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

What\’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

How are men like diapers? They\’re usually full of sh*t, but thankfully disposable.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn\’t budget, so he had to work it out with paper and a pencil.

How do you make coffee in a toilet? With a plunger.

How is a boyfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the sh*t out of you.

Why didn\’t the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in the crack.

What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? \”You are the wind beneath my wings.

Why was the old toilet always flushed? Everyone kept yanking his chain.

How is life like toilet paper? You\’re either on a roll or taking sh*t from someone.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

Funny Jokes for Adults

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?”

What did one elevator say to the other? I think I’m coming down with something.

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?

How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.

If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

What is the sound of no-hands texting?

To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.

What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’ Furniture.

What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

My dad was hit on the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink

Did you hear about the skeleton beauty contest? No body won.

Why did the battery go on vacation? He needed to recharge.

Why did the pumpkin go to the doctor? It didn\’t feel so gourd.

What month of the year has 28 days? All of them.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.

Why shouldn\’t you trust artists? They can be sketchy.

Why did the car take a nap? It was tired.

Did you hear about dry cleaner who got arrested? He was laundering money.

Why did the football player hire a lawyer? He needed help with his defense.

Why did the mortician clock out of work early? He was dying to leave.

What do you get when you cross a guitar, drums and a car tire? A rubber band.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to the course? In case he got a hole in one.

Why did the boy wear his coat to dinner? Because chili was on the menu.

Did you hear about the baseball player who got arrested? He stole second base.

Why aren\’t kids allowed to see pirate movies? They\’re all rated arrrrr.

How much does it cost to hire a deer? A buck.

How did police catch the thief who robbed an Apple store? There was an I Witness.

Why did the coffee cup file a police report? It got mugged.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Thankfully, someone woke her up.

What kind of scientists avoid the sun? Paleontologists.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.

What did 0 say to 8?
\”Nice belt.\”

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.

What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!

What’s small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse raddish!

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they are such fungis.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Too many ears.

Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he always got lost at “C.”

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Dark Humor Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Dark Humor Jokes

Why is the leper’s hockey game get canceled?
There was a face-off in the corner.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children?
Deadbeats.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
Nothing.

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas?
No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Why do some kids have water with their cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.

Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?
It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?
They both can’t be found.

Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it

A child molester and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.

Where did Sharon go during the bombing?
Everywhere

Why don’t cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny!

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.

I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke.

I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads

What do you call it when everyone makes too many dumb Covid jokes?
A pandemic

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? A: It’s a long story…

Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window.
I should probably go let her in.

What is the best part of a blowjob?
Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.
She said she didn’t have time.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

Say what you want about pedophiles…
But at least they drive slow through the school zones.

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

What do you call a little boy with no arms and no legs?
Names.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.

What was my phone’s answer when I asked, “Siri, why am I still single?”
My selfie.

What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?
You.

What is the fastest way to have a smoking’ hot body?
Cremation.

How is the dog doing after its human died?
Ruff.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “From now on, call me George.”

Why should you never break someone’s heart?
They have only one. Break their bones instead. They have 206. Way more cathartic.

What’s the greeting at every Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous meeting?
“Love seeing so many new faces here today!”

Why did the doctor inject me with COVID-19?
So that I’d stop complaining about my cold.

What’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Stand in the middle of a busy road.

Two doctors walk into a bar…
The patient they left on the operating table didn’t make it.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

What\’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can\’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.

I work with animals,\” the guy says to his Tinder date. \”That\’s so sweet,\” she replies. \”I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?\” \”I\’m a butcher,\” he says.

What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, “Nah, most of the time I just let him sleep.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.

My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Dirty Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Dirty Jokes

Is your name Dunkin? Because I donut want to spend another day without you.

Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda only one for me!

Knock, knock. Who\’s there? Pauline. Pauline who? I think I\’m Pauline in love with you.

Call me Shrek because I\’m head ogre heels for you!

You\’re so sweet, you put Hershey\’s out of business.

Why was the rabbit so upset? He was having a bad hare day!

If kisses were snowflakes, I\’d send you a blizzard.

If stars would fall every time I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty.

Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-RITTO.

Even though there aren\’t any stars out tonight, you\’re still shining like one.

Knock, knock. Who\’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you, and I don\’t care who knows it.

What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolker!

Why shouldn\’t you tell an Easter egg a joke? Because it might crack up!

What\’s the Easter Bunny\’s favorite sport? Basket-ball!

How do rabbits keep their fur neat? They use a hare brush!

What\’s a rabbit\’s favorite movie? The Hare-ry Potter series!

How does the Easter Bunny avoid traffic? He takes the eggs-press lane!

How did the chocolate bar apologize? It said, \”I\’m sorry for being a little nutty!\”

What did one egg say to the other? \”You tell too many yolks!\”

What did the shocked bee say to the beekeeper? \”I can\’t bee-lieve my eyes!\”

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Together, we can stop this crap.”

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the street? It got stuck in a crack.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? To look for Pooh!

What did one toilet say to the other? “You look flushed!”

How do you help a constipated person? You scare the poop out of them.

What did one fly say to the other? “Is this stool taken?”

What’s big, brown, and behind the wall? Humpy\’s Dump.

Did you hear about the film Constipated? It never came out.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Salad Shooter.

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A dick-tater!

What did the egg say to the boiling water? \”Sorry, it\’s going to take me a second to get hard. I just got laid by some chick!\”

What do a Rubik\’s Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? No one. They both eat out.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. But you have to wonder how they got in there.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? \”It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?\”

What does a DNA helicase and a teenage boy have in common? They both just want to unzip your genes.

What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.

Is \”buttcheeks\” all one word? Or should I spread them apart?

What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

Why don’t little girls fart?
They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

What do you call an incestuous nephew?
An aunt-eater.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?
A dictator.

Wanna hear a joke about my dick?
Never mind. It’s too long.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

My neighbor is mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They\’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.

What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his new love interest?
Show me the honey.

How did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales?
They grabbed him by the jewels.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snowballs.

Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? The white horse took a bath.

What gets wetter when things get steamy?
Steamboats.

What\’s 6 inches long and has 2 nuts at the end?
An Almond Joy.

Why did the male chicken wear underwear on its head?
Because its pecker was on its face.

Can I watch TV?
Yes, but don\’t turn it on.

Why did the ranch blush?
He saw the salad dressing.

What’s hot, pink and wet?
A pig in a hot tub.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Jokes for Kids : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Jokes for Kids

What is a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore!

What kind of pizza do dogs eat? Pup-eroni pizza!

How do you help a baby astronaut fall asleep? You rock-et!

If cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws!

What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas!

What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shell-fies!

What do you call a famous turtle? A shell-ebrity!

What do you feed an alligator? Anything it wants!

What makes a sick lemon feel better? Lemon-aid!

How does Spiderman do research? On the World Wide Web!

Did you hear about the clock? It got shushed in the library for tocking too loud.

What do you call a knight who hates fighting? Sir Render.

When is the door, not a door? When it\’s ajar.

What does the ocean do when it sees friends? It waves.

How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it.

What\’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.

What kind of tree can fit in your hand? A palm tree.

Did you know that fish live in saltwater because pepper makes them sneeze?

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call Dracula with hay fever? The pollen Count.

What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

What do you call two bananas?
Slippers.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.

Why was the mushroom the life of the party?
It was a fungi.

What stays in the corner yet can travel all over the world?
A stamp.

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.

What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.

What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious.

What should you drink while singing nursery rhymes?
Hot Cocomelon.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.

Why did the cookie go to the nurse? Because he felt crummy!

Which hand is better to write with? Neither. It’s better to write with a pencil!

Why did the science teacher tell her students not to trust an atom? Because they make up everything!

Why can’t the music teacher start his car? He left his keys on his piano!

Why can’t a person’s nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

Why did the computer sneeze? Because it had a virus!

What is the witch’s favorite school subject? Spelling!

How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experiments! (experi-mints!)

What is a computer programmer’s favorite snack? Computer chips!

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!

What is the name of the horse next door? Neigh-bor.

I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn\’t have the patients.

I\’m on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.

If at first you don\’t succeed, then skydiving isn\’t for you.

I was going to tell a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.

I just flew into town and my arms are so tired.

I tried to do my homework but my pencil broke, so it was pointless.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

The more this towel dries, the wetter it gets.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

I\’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a w-rap.

Why did the turkey join a band? So she could use her drumsticks.

What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? An elephant’s shadow.

What’s a frog’s favorite game? Leapfrog.

Who wears shoes while sleeping? A horse.

Why couldn\’t the duck stop laughing? He was quacking up.

Why couldn\’t the pony sing a song? She was a little horse.

Why did the crab never share? Because he\’s shellfish.

Where do cows go for fun? The moo-vies.

Why do dogs like cell phones? They have collar ID.

What do frogs order at fast-food restaurants?
French flies!

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!

What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
An investigator!

Why is a snake difficult to fool?
You can’t pull its leg!

What kind of socks do grizzlies wear?
None, they have bear feet!

What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine?
A slowpoke!

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?
\”Ruff!\”

What\’s a cat\’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse!

What fish only swims at night?
Starfish!

What does a triceratops sit on?
Its tricera-bottom!

Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?
He’d heard that someone had stolen a base!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Sneak-ers.

What do you call two guys hanging on a curtain?
Kurt and Rod!

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.

What’s a snake’s favorite subject?
Hisstory.

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

What time would it be if Godzilla came to school?
Time to run!

Why did the dog do so well in school?
Because he was the teacher’s pet!

Why did the egg get thrown out of class?
Because he kept telling yolks!

What do you call two robbers? A pair of knickers.

Why don’t seagulls fly over bays? Because otherwise they would be called bagels.

Why did the children eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake!

Why do mushrooms like to party so much? Because they’re a FUNGI.

Whats a crocodiles favourite game? SNAP

How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.

Have I ever told you about my bin joke? Nah, it’s rubbish.

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Imap. Imap who?

Why don’t ants catch flu? Because they have tiny anti-bodies.

Why didn\’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
Because it had more cents.

Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?
Because it’s never right.

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because he wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

What do you call guys who love math?
Algebros.

How do you stay warm in any room?
Go to the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.

Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal?
Because he would have to convert.

Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you count Dracula.

What do you think the big flower says to the small flower?
You are growing up fast bud!

Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there’s no point.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Best Dad Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

knock knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, and I’m putting it in your mailbox!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door and find out!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leash.
Leash who?
Leash you could do is answer the doorbell!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weekend.
Weekend who?
Weekend do anything we want!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Yippee!

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Cook.
Cook who?
Yeah, you do sound cuckoo!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us, so open up!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Says.
Says who?
Says me!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use — these jokes will never be funny.

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these jokes!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tibet.
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
China.
China who?
China just like old times, isn’t it?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Francis.
Francis who?
France is a country in Europe.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m good. Hawaii you?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yukon.
Yukon who?
Yukon say that again!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weirdo.
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you’re going?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” again?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ears.
Ears who?
’Ears another knock-knock joke for ya!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cook.
Cook who?
Yeah, you do sound cuckoo!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Yippee!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car go “Toot toot, vroom, vroom!”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Omelet.
Omelet who?
Omelet stronger than I look!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nacho.
Nacho who?
These are nacho mother’s jokes!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Soup.
Soup who?
Soup-erman … and I can see through your door!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me a hamburger—I’m hungry!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan urge to eat an entire pint of ice cream right now!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mustard.
Mustard who?
Mustard been the scariest nightmare I ever had!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Grover.
Grover who?
Grover there and get me a cookie.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pudding.
Pudding who?
I’m pudding on a big party for you!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
S’more.
S’more who?
S’more jokes on the way.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you doing today?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you gonna open the door?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
What are you, an owl?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Weirdo.
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you’re going?

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Barbie.
Barbie who?
Barbie-que chicken is my favorite.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Razor.
Razor who?
Razor hands, this is a stick up!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
May fourth.
May fourth who?
May the fourth be with you.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any more knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
Okay, W-H-O!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore do like you!

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love I’m feeling right now?

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don’t you?

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use—I just can’t stop thinking about you.

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita use your bathroom

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Viper.
Viper who?
Viper nose, it’s running!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Says.
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
Europe early this morning.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.

Knock! Knock!
Who\’s there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
A herd. A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Whale. Whale who?
Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here?

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Bean.
Bean who?
Bean there, done that.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Espresso.
Espresso who?
Espresso yourself, then everyone will know how you feel.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch one of you keeps knocking on my door?!

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Batter.
Batter who?
Batter late than never.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Tuba.
Tuba who?
Tuba toothpaste. Now brush your teeth.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey got stolen, that\’s why I\’m knocking.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip the pool, I wanna go for a swim.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Hammond.
Hammond who?
Hammond cheese is my favorite sandwich.

Knock, knock!
Who\’s there?
Kenya.
Kenya who?
Kenya answer the door?
All this knocking is driving me crazy!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy bell gonna start working again?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alec.
Alec who?
Alectricity. BUZZ!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel not working?

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep knocking, or are you going to open up?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yvette.
Yvette who?
Yvette is a doctor for animals.

Knock, knock.
Who\’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peep hole and find out.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold outside!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I\’ll climb through the window.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abbot.
Abbot who?
Abbot you don’t know who this is!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us, so open it!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can go hang out?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kirtch.
Kirtch who?
God bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.

Knock knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and I’ll come in!

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Methhead.
Methhead who?
Methhead acting is the best way to get into character when the scene involves getting your head smashed in by an ATM.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Bitch.
Bitch who?
Bitch your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be meth.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Badger.
Badger who?
Badger bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be Star Trek scripts.

THANKS FOR VISITING

Best Dad Jokes : Humor is very subjective; this is very true to everyone who tries to crack a joke. The interesting thing is that there is an awkward feeling that hits us mercilessly whenever we flop. We know it instantly when we land, hit, kill the funny bone.

Best Dad Jokes

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

It’s raining cats and dogs, and how those animals got in the sky, I’ll never know!

Does the existence of Godzilla mean there’s also a Devilzilla?

Age isn’t just a number—it’s a word.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but each way makes the cat furry-ious.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Living well is the best revenge … after filling your enemy’s car with bees.

I joined the PTA, but was disappointed when I learned it doesn’t stand for “Pass the Alcohol.”

When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be—I wish they’d told me that identity theft is a crime.

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

I tried to make a joke about retirement, but it didn’t work.

How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn\’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn\’t find any.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

I have an inferiority complex, but it\’s not a very good one.

I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a fig.

What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said \”Maybe…\”

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees? It’s because they’re so good at it.

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.

What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

Dad, did you get a haircut?\’. \’No, I got them all cut!\’

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.

My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That\’s ridiculous, I didn\’t even know it was today!

My kid gave me a \’World\’s Best Dad\’ mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.

When a toddler reaches the \”why?\” stage, it\’s like opening a bottle of champagne—once it\’s uncorked, there\’s no going back.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

Why can\’t a leopard hide? He\’s always spotted.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I\’m just a bit slow.

How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.

What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug.

One did on potato chip say to the other? Let\’s go for a dip.

Why shouldn\’t you tell jokes to a duck? Because they\’ll quack up.

Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor.

Where did people hang out during medieval times? At knight clubs.

Why did the employee go work in stilts? He wanted a raise.

What do cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.

When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.

What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.

Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music? Because they got to bottom of the hill.

What is the best present? Broken drums! You can\’t beat them.

I made song about tortilla once, now it\’s more like a wrap.

Did you know courdury pillows are in style? They\’re making headlines.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.

What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.

What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

Funny Dad Jokes

What kind of coffee does a vampire drink? De-coffin-ated.

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose!

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!

Why can\’t you tell a taco a secret? They tend to spill the beans!

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.

What did the horse say when he fell down? I\’ve fallen and I can\’t giddy up.

I can tell when you\’re lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you\’re standing.

I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can\’t read what else is on it.

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

My friend couldn\’t pay his water bill, so I sent him a \”get well soon\” card

Does anybody know where a dad can find a person to talk to and hang out with? Asking for a friend.

Lance isn\’t that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.

After dinner Mom asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

Dad Jokes

Why couldn\’t the pony sing at the talent show? She was a little horse.

How do billboards talk to each other? Sign language.

What music do chiropractors listen to? Hip-pop.

Why can\’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

What beans can you plant but never grow? Jelly beans.

What instrument can you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.

Why did the kids cross the playground? To get to the other slides.

Why didn\’t the teddy bear come down for dinner? He was already stuffed.

Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Why did the god of thunder need to stretch his legs? He was a little Thor.

What’s the least spoken language? Sign language.

What building in your town has the most stories? The public library.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I\’m going to the beer store and I\’m scared it will be closed.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where\’s Pop Corn?

What do you call cheese that isn\’t yours? Nacho cheese.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

I tried all morning to cook up an egg-related pun, but I couldn’t crack it.

How do you make an apple turnover? Push it downhill.

THANKS FOR VISITING